The Story of G

John McGonnell was a genius but he was also young and immature. Worst of all, he was indecisive. I watched with my great half jade half crimson red eyes, as he finished his program--what a mad program it was-- and also he exited the room, still wondering whether he should go back and change it. Or not. He didn't know. Walk a step, glance back. Walk another step, glance back again. Walk glance walk glance walk glance walk glance and finally he stupidly flailed around and just dropped down to the floor dead.
I bet you wonder who I am. Why am I watching John? I dunno. Take a piece of vegetable. It doesn't know people, and it doesn't watch. I'm not really a stalk-er, but I like seeing what people do all the time, especially those whom I know the names of. People ask for my name, but of course Goldman Holyshire, the name on my passport and driver's license, is both dumb and not what I intend to call myself, so I tell everyone to call me G. I never reveal my true name to anyone at all, which is obviously not Goldman because Goldman is my father's name. Anyhow, I was observing John. He can be such a klutz sometimes. Still, his program was so clever I had to use his indecisiveness to my advantage, so I stepped over John's paralyzed body and used his program. Normal people wouldn't understand it and a criminal mind could use it to hack systems, which is a hobby of mine, but of course I didn't use John's program for such. I started typing like insane on the computer. Unfortunately that is when John decided to wake up. He saw me there but once more he was indecisive. Was he supposed to chase me out or kill me? Call for his parents?
His genius mind couldn't decide. He took a step toward me, yelling: "what are you doing on my computer?!" Then he glanced back to see if anybody could help him. He took another step, yelling once more: "How did you even get in here?!" And he spun around once more. He took a big step and he was almost at where I was, until he thought somebody could help him and then he went back around, tripped himself, and fell flat on his face, dead once more. It was very funny. I chuckled at him, finished typing on his program, and exited. After he woke up he was very confused. He didn't know what to do. He glanced at his program with fear and awe at what I had entered. It was truly a work of art. He glanced back and he looked up. He didn't seem to be able to find me at all, but of course I had already exited the place. He glanced at the program. He took a step back and wanted to search for me, but he wondered if he would be able to find me after all. He walked another step, glanced back, walk step and glance back, walk glance walk glance walk glance and KABOOM! He slammed right into the door and once more fell flat on his face, dead. It truly never gets old.
After John had fell flat on his face at least ten thousand times I finally got bored and exited. It was high time I met my good friend DJ, first name D last name J. What an odd name. And I thought G was strange. After I got home I just stared at my refrigerator. There wasn't a lot of food in there at all, but still, I stared and stared as if some food would just appear. I picked up some frozen steak and just looked at it. There was a knock and a door and a man entered just as I waved the piece of steak in my hand and said, "You lean, meat."
I'm sorry. I must have typed that part up when I was drunk or something. I always make grammatical errors of some sort. What I meant to say was, "Euleen, meat." For that was my friend's name. He was Euleen. He looked at my meat and raised an eyebrow.
"Well Gee friend, it seems that you know I still like my meat."
Sorry once again. I must have typed up that part when I was asleep or something. I meant to say, "Well G friend...". Did I mention that I asked everyone to call me G because I don't reveal my real name? Names have power. I digress-- my friend was now getting the meat out of my hand and eating it up. It was like he was a savage, but it was okay, because he was Euleen. Euleen was always doing savage things like the brute he was. Just then his sister entered, his pretty-faced sister. I leaned, put a hand on a table, and looked at her brother.
Oh my god, I must have terrible grammatical habits! I should never write a story! Once again, I misspelled. I meant to say, "Eileen put a hand on a table and looked at her brother." Dear me, I am not myself to day! I think I realized this at the time. So I just exited the house. "Goodbye. I hope to see you again, Eileen and Euleen."
Euleen waved goodbye as well. "You'll always have me to lean upon!"
"Hey, I lean!"
No no no, that's really not a grammatical mistake. I took an English class yesterday and I rewrote this part. Don't worry; I got this right. You see, his sister said it as a pun. She's Eileen. She's the one who's supposed to lean, not me. So she made a pun, alright? I really didn't do anything wrong this time. It's not like I'm John and I spin around, glance around, walking thousands of steps, and fall flat on my face and need something to lean upon anyhow. Eileen on nothing.
Curses! I really need to retake that English class!
In any case, I allowed them to chat among themselves--it was their house after all, I was just there to retrieve some lean meat for Euleen (phew, that was hard to get correct). I went on to visit my good friend, DJ. I walked to his home and found him with his girlfriend.
"Well, ain't it Cloudy today!" I commented in a jolly-good fashion.
"I don't appreciate your puns." DJ said, "Stop making jokes based on people's names."
Ain't he a smart one at that. Last time he even had Sunny. It's a good thing nobody's named Stormy or Windy or anything like that.
"Terribly sorry, DJ. I came here to seek your help." I said to him.
"Well, I have to know if it's worth my time of not." DJ calmly responded.
"It's concerning... MASTERMIND."
Mastermind was a mysterious fellow. Nobody, excluding me, knew his real name, and he didn't interact with much people. Even DJ's face grew a shadow of seriousness even though he was quite a humorous fellow.
"Mastermind, hm?" He asked, leaning back into the sofa, "Well, I'll consider it. Call me back after a while."
I rolled my eyes. I usually didn't manipulate my friends, but I could manipulate anyone if necessary. "Ah, don't worry.... I already got some progress done. John's programming skills assisted me so that Mastermind will be a piece of cake to find."
DJ stared into the void of my soul--or rather, depths of my eyes, as if he knew both Mastermind's and my name, as well as all of our darkest secrets. "Well Gee, I don't know if you can do it for sure."
Gee. It's truly Gee. He really didn't mean my name this time. At least, that's what I think. Those English lessons should be taking in effect right now. Or is it affect? I honestly have no clue. My professor is trying his best...
Suddenly epiphany striked! "I can call my English professor." I stated with all sincerity.
DJ stared at me like I was insane. "What?!" He exclaimed, "What does your English professor have to do with this??! Has your brain truly gone crazy??!"
"I got this," I said, picking out my phone and calling my English professor. I told him to get over as soon as possible. DJ looked like he wanted to destroy my phone, but of course he wouldn't and couldn't. My martial art skills were too good. I went outside and stretched my muscles. Things were going to get good.
I prepared some good Honey Tea and drank some. I saw my English professor's car. DJ couldn't believe how I had convinced him or her to come. He was absolutely speechless. My English professor stepped out of the car. She was blonde, 5 feet 7, high heels, red dress, more like a spy than an English professor. "...Is that...? Really a.... disguise??!" He exclaimed. Of course it was just a disguise. I obviously didn't have an English professor, you could tell from my failure in the previous paragraphs.
"Miati?" I asked in one word. DJ thought it was Spanish or Japanese or some kind of code. But really, it was just the fact that my drink was a bit hot and my tongue got tangled. What I really meant to say was, "Mia, tea?" So now you see it makes much more sense.
Mia took a sip and responded: "Jeeea-- Too God!" Or maybe she said "G, it's Too hot!" or maybe she said, "Too Ghot!" or maybe she wanted to say hello in a very suave manner and then finding the tea too hot exclaiming outrageously while still wanting to curse my name. I don't know. Some people call me God just because I'm G.
"Oh, mama Mia!" I exclaimed out of pure habit, "Terribly sorry the tea was so hot!"
DJ looked on disapprovingly. He seemed to know my exact purpose in getting the tea and then calling Mia. He could be one of the most perceptive people at times. "So hot?! You knew yet you gave it to her!" He stared at me with an anger in his eyes, a daring stoic look that penetrated me. I almost gave in, except--
"Could you please tune down the sound, DJ?" Mia said, saving me. Ah, how wonderful it was to have someone appreciate the power of puns. DJ was aggravated.
"Fine, fine, I'll go, but make it quick."
"I suppose this Cloudy day isn't going to last too long." I commented, winking at DJ. He merely shot me another look of death as we walked our way to Mastermind's secret location.
When we finally found his door, Mastermind was already sitting in front of his door. Wearing his "classic" black cape, he sat with his legs crossed and his chair was dark and gloomy but he looked far happier. He puffed an invisible smoke with an nonexistent pipe. "Well well well, golly old Gee, look who's here." He commented.
"Ah, MASTER, do you MIND?" I questioned with that sly smile on my face.
He seemed even cleverer than DJ. He already knew what kind of person I was within only our last few encounters. "Please, just call me Max."
"Well, Max, I'm glad to--"
"I'm glad to meet you as well."
"You see, I have a--"
"The solution is simple. You three need to team up to solve it."
"What do we nee--"
"I require a 500 dollars service fee."
"I'm just glad the MAX isn't--"
"That pun just raised the service fee to 1000."
"I'm so sorr--"
"2000. One more complaint or stalling will result a raise to 5,000."
I was a little tempted to force him into lowering the service fee, then thought better. We needed a good planner. I fished out the money and reluctantly gave it to "Max".
"Okay, so what--"
"Here's the blueprint of the building." He said, giving me a piece of blue paper.
"And what--"
"You will find some supplies stashed near exit F-17 over here." He pointed on a copy of the blue paper, "You simply need to utilize them to go through this door over there, careful for the guards over here, and enter here, and you will accomplish your mission."
"Thank--"
"--You for wasting my time. Now go."
I hesitated for a while. I had always wondered how in the world he knew exactly what I was going to say. I was going to have to test him one more time. I tried to begin saying something random: "Ser--"
"--pent of doom."
I tried saying his true name: "Your name--"
"--Don't you dare."
I was beginning to grow desperate. Surely, there was no way--? One last time, I took a deep breath, and tried to whisper MY true name -- "......." But of course nothing came out. I wouldn't reveal my true name for the world, and certainly not for revealing Mastermind's secret.
Mastermind laughed. "Don't worry about it, G. Some secrets are never to be found out." I sighed. I suppose his all-knowing power was most likely similar to my power of knowing everybody's name. So we went on to the security fence around the building, ready to execute his plan. I took out my great Mask out of my leather jacket and wore it. It would protect my identity relatively well except my eyes--those great bright half green half red eyes that gave away my powerful insight on everything. But hardly anyone is insightful enough to take account of those, after all, my wicked personality covers up any detail of my face.
So we split up into three ways. I can't say for sure if their entryways were more secure than mine, but Mia said that she had to knock out two guards and DJ had to avoid detection from three. I was lucky--perhaps a little too lucky. I was sneakily going into a section where I thought there were no guards--apparently I was wrong. They hired a new guard just for today. Perhaps I was unlucky. Or perhaps the new guard was insightful enough to join just today. It turns out at a closer look it was--
"YOU." He stared at me while pointing his finger at me. I had nowhere to go. Now I was the one being indecisive and whirling my head about.
"Ah, John McGonnell." I said half nervously half not really nervously. I mean, I did already mention I'm extremely skilled at martial arts. Black belt, in fact. I bet you don't have a black belt in martial arts. But that was completely irrelevant to the situation. Despite John being extremely mature and insightful, ingeniously predicting my move of sneaking into the warehouse and going where no guard guarded; I still knew he had that terrible habit of his. So I took advantage of it: "Hey, look behind you!"
Yep. He fell for it. I still don't believe it. He couldn't decide whether or not I was tricking him. He quickly glanced behind him and then glanced back at me. It was like he saw a flash of something. It was a comedic act, him glancing and stepping and glancing back. He didn't grow too dizzy, but he threw a few punches which I avoided by whirling around him, and he just grew more and more confused with his punches and kicks until even his genius mind was forced into the boring same routine of step glance step spin step glance until he just fell flat on his BACK this time. Well, at least that's some kind of improvement.
So we made it to the crucial office of the great Dictator of our little empire, city, town, whatever. I have absolutely no clue, except that it doesn't make a good pun, otherwise I would have got it down. I was there first, followed by Mia, then DJ. "Mama mia, DJ, you're late!" I humorously stated, although I'm sure DJ would have liked to be so late that he never arrived so he wouldn't ever had to hear my horrendous pun. In any case, we planted our feast for the Dictator: a piece of parchment, so dangerous, so well done, that even HE would have to yield to us.

Sir Ford Bhoer woke up to find a piece of parchment upon his office desk, and he snorted, grunted and yelled out in disapproval to find that the parchment had "YOU ARE SUCH A PIG AND YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED" on it, with a drawing of a roasted pig with an apple in its mouth. He was even perceptive enough to know that the vulgar paper was based on a pun of his name "boar" and the teasing of his terrible treatment of the people and his greediness, thus, "pig". Obviously, we signed the paper together. Nobody recognizes GMiaDJ's signature side by side. If you tried to read it you would see "CRYSTMYANPDIOSSSSL", and if you were an expert cryptographer perhaps you could deduce that more than one person wrote it and it probably meant "WE WILL FEAST UPON YOU ALIVE!" or even something like "YOU LIKE THE MUD IN YOUR LITTLE FIELD?"
Ford probably realized all of this. He was frustrated and angry because, well, this was really our last dirty tactic upon him. We had sent thousands of compliant letters (among other dissenters of him) and many had put revolutionary ideas against him, but he wouldn't listen. But obviously he HAD to listen to the parchment. I mean, we even ruined his office desk by carving the same message painstakingly into the desk. It's a good thing I'm also an expert drawer.
So eventually Ford finally changed his ways. He tried giving warnings to whoever sent the parchment but of course everyone said he deserved it. He regretted going out in public and he wasn't even quite sure why he caved in to the pressure. I suppose my manipulative abilities are quite strong.
Mr. Bhoer gave a speech that was the complete opposite of his inaugural address. But of course, you don't know anything about that, so let me give you a transcript of what he said: "I can, if the world be forgot in the vastness of space, and if the legend of our voids in our hearts be true, and if the market man does be greedy with our money, spending it unwisely and wastefully throwing it away; through the sadness and joyous moods spreading in our dear planet earth; with a desire that burns like fire, melting the whole of the ice of doubt, without any inconsistency with my persistence along with perspiration, nothing which without much of those virtues that were uphold and will be upheld throughout the ages, as contributed to within our classes that teach us our morals and beliefs that influence our decision and ultimately our life, and which will never be belonging to which of those that are not forever set in stone and hardly ever reaching our paragons of philosophy—yet furthermore lest be our souls be blessed or in the worst case be doomed to die, nevermore shall humankind inspire, any more than monkeys will evolve to overtake our form, any more than a drunk man drinks the drops of what causes him to lose his sobriety, any more than the Egyptians’ incredible Sphinx which outsmarted all except the mighty Oedipus, and finally our weaknesses that are spun out and stressed upon on Fate’s needle-and-thread, piercing through our bodies, without any doubt, so let us be like a team that works, churning out products similar to the factory of time and space itself, all four dimensions crossing and turning, perpendicular to each other and paradoxically, simultaneously parallel, which are altogether strong and shielded with no turn away from those which taunt us and entice us to move differently, and hunt down that of which haunts the malice in our souls and, being the captain on the ship that remains even when the great vehicle sinks, being the ferocious lion that claws down against even hundreds of prey, being the long mop that wipes off any big stain, never lose hope, never draw short, and never lie down; those who go without following our footsteps being cowardly, running in fear, in selfish vain, so as God's will be punished accordingly; and so let the rest become one with my body, so that as one, accomplish anything!"
Of course, most people were fooled by his speech. I bet you just skimmed over that bunch of long stuff. Yes, now you know what he's called Mr. Bhoer. His talent is to bore. That was his crucial flaw that caught my notice. My English professor obviously saw through his long run-on sentence with no true particular subject and verb agreement, which was just sad. DJ was perceptive, and well, you know Mastermind. He probably already knew exactly what Ford was going to say, even if he didn't understand it. This time his speech was much better though:
"Fine! I surrender to those that vandalized my property! I will make everything better! First and foremost, all citizens will receive a sum in money equal to their needs as long as they work hard. Secondly, our nation will..." And so on and so on. It was much more exciting than his first speech and with far less fluff, but I'm certain you know the rest. Classic other stuff like democracy and freedom of religion, press, property, and even freedom to own a sheep. I don't know about the last one, but I'm sure you have the rest in your country, or in a vision of a utopia.
So, as a result of my great plan, people finally started living happily, and I had no reason to go around Cloudy days or tell my DJ to tune down the music or even unhappily call out "Mama Mia!" Most importantly, from then on nobody ever needed to --Eu or Ei-- lean on anybody for much help. Although there was much complaint from them since Eu could never lean on anyone any more and Ei needed not lean on anyone either. What funny people.
There was only one little problem... Mastermind. I really did have to figure out just how he did everything he did. So I put on one last act just for him. I put on a disguise so good even my mama wouldn't have recognized me. Then I put on a great voice just in case I needed to speak, a British accent mixed with an Irish feel. I was fairly certain he had no way of penetrating my disguise.
I walked up to Mastermind. I found him standing around and stretching. He seemed a bit surprised to see me. He looked at me, waiting for me to talk. After a while of silence I finally said: "I heard you can help people and you know things." He examined me like a specimen, from up to down, and then put his hand out for his service fee. He'd accept anything, really, since he assumed it was your first time. Customer satisfaction first, right?
So I put a single penny in his hand. His hand closed around it, and without even looking he just said: "That's very cheap of you, but I'm certain your troubles are in proportion to your pay." Then there was some more awkward silence before he spoke again. "Let's see, has a fine romance life, no kids, none of those problems, no violence or anger issues..." His brows furrowed as he did his classic "Sherlock Holmes" detective scan on me. I was so confident there, standing, powerful, undetected, I was the master of disguise. I wonder why I didn't do this earlier. But I think it was exactly my confidence that gave me away. He smirked his great smirk that told me he had found the exact answer he was looking for. "...Ahahahaha....... my friend... you may have fooled me before, but you will never fool me. You're.... George!"
He failed. He failed so bad. After I revealed myself he almost died of embarrassment. But I think he secretly knew. He knew I was G but he let me win. It was alright, even if it was a false victory. A false victory is really better than no victory at all. I think this story had a happy ending.

The Story of G

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The story of G